Digital Diary│Fighting Anxiety

29 April, ’15                                                                                                                                                                                5:00

I open my eyes as my dream suddenly breaks into jagged pieces of memory. I can’t even recall what I saw but that doesn’t bother me. My eyes burn lividly and the only logical reason I can think of is because I stayed up late night reading that e-book. I sit straight, staring at that corner in the ceiling which I always do unconsciously and rest my back against the wall.

Washing my face and rinsing my mouth, I open my text book. I have an exam to give in sharp one hour and twenty minutes; I try to focus. I read in my mind;

She never told her love,

But let her concealment, like a worm in the bud,

Feed on her damask cheek; she pined in thought

And with a green and yellow Melancholy,

She sat like patience on a monument

Smiling at grief was not this love indeed?

In this moment I can empathize with Viola, just not over a man.

7:00  

I sit in the examination room with everyone so animate and nervous at the same time, I feel alien. Girls try to small-talk while I just smile and avoid everyone, which are basically just three faces I know amongst these strangers with a sickening anticipation for the paper. It is this time there is a sense of something building in the pit of my stomach. When we get our question paper, I can hear some whispers; someone was asking the first question, someone was whispering Apoorva. I don’t look back, I just sink further in my seat and focus hard on the paper.

I know most of the things which means I have to write all those things. I feel the frustration knack a pang of anxiety. I try to breathe.

                                                                                                                                                9:11

I am trying my best to not runaway. I am trying my best to breathe normally; it is not helping. The room is depressing, the people asking questions from everywhere is making me mad in irritation. It feels as though the walls are closing in on me which makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Describe Viola’s character, I try to focus on the paper. I know this, I say to myself, this is easy.  As soon as I have marked the question number in my answer sheet, I am blank. I am out of words. I don’t know what to write. Everything comes to my mind rushing at such unfathomable speed that I gather nothing and feel like breaking into a sob. My scalp is prickling with sweat beads, things feel like heating up. I won’t lie, I feel like shit. I feel like screaming at the top of lungs, I feel like I’m back to point zero. I feel like I haven’t progressed even a bit in life.

                                                                                                                                                                9:30

I can’t look at the paper anymore; I hand over my sheet and dash from the room as though everything is on fire. I walk down the street, trying to avoid everyone’s gaze and staring straight ahead. Frankly, I am afraid to be with myself alone. I am afraid of all the things that my mind throws at me; it makes me feel too pathetic and undeserving. My mind is just an ugly place to be in, especially right now.

10:00

I take a bus to my aunt’s house which is 15 minutes away from college. I don’t want to go home because that would mean I would be alone with myself and I cannot in words describe how much I despise it. It has been four years this way, I have still not adjusted to this. The problem with me is that I expect too much. I want the sun to beam through the thick clouds when it’s gloomy; I expect too much and so I suffer too much. If you were to catch hold of my diary someday where I keep leaving pieces of my mind, you’ll find countless lists and entries that begin with ‘I wish…’ It’s sad for people to see a girl wiling away her time in a corner with a notebook and pen, and now I have started feeling that too. I hate waking up like this, too feel little things too deeply; it sucks to wake up knowing you have not a single person you can share your tears with. What sucks even more is that I still expect that some day this arrangement will change, maybe four more years, who know! I wish it does.

                                                                                                                                                                11:00

My younger cousin, who is barely two and a half, and I are running behind the cat that they recently got. It is fun. At least I am not alone to loath in self pity and every negative emotion that somehow manages a way to bite me in the arse. I have noticed this: old people and animals magically calm me down.

My mum calls a while later asking why I’m not home yet but I just don’t feel like talking to her. I hand the phone to my aunt and run behind the cat again.

                                                                                                                                                                              16:00

photoshoot with children

My brother and I go out, just so we can take some pictures and nothing can describe how good this makes me feel. Taking pictures eases me instantly, like switching on a positive button that I didn’t know was even there. We take some shots and a while later two little girls come up to us and hand us a red rose each. In that moment, it means so much and it is one of the sweetest things that happened to me in a while. I ask if I can take a picture with them and they agree.

18:00

in the store with a persian cat

I am driving to the pet store with my uncle and aunt to get their cat a toothbrush and a comb. They are very particular about their pets and I really appreciate it. I find the exact same cat in the store like they have at home, and well Daisy, the cat, and I instantly clicked.

                                                                                                              19:00

I debate if I should write today’s event at all, after all it wasn’t too happening a day. It takes another ten minutes of contemplating if I should out this on a blog, after all people only like to read the ‘happy things’. I decide to put it up anyway.

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6 thoughts on “Digital Diary│Fighting Anxiety

  1. I have realised that the toughest battles are the ones we fight with ourselves. I relate to how you feel and the chain of events of your day seemed akin to my life. *Sends Hugs* I cannot cure your anxiety, nor can I provide any relief, but I need to tell you that readers don’t always want the happy endings. And writing about our personal battles tends tp give us strength, and also resonate with the people fighting similar battles. I wish you all the very best! Don’t be harsh with yourself, it is only human to have expectations. Take care! 🙂

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    • You know the shock came to me after I posted this and I was nervous as to what people would think of me now. I really appreciate this comment, thank you so much for reaching out. Sometimes, I wish if there were more people like you, it would be easier for people to talk to each other and feel less like a burden 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I understand your apprehensions. The stigmatisation of mental illnesses is so severe and ingrained within us that it becomes difficult to accept them as a part of us. It was my pleasure. It is because I have been there, and Often still am there, that I can relate to other’s experiences.Communities like WordPress are thus more accomodating as we are all fighting similar battles. The more we talk about it, the more we can come to terms with it and the more we can hope to educate ones who do not understand. Keep writing! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. you are such a beautiful person, i cannot believe why you even think all this. it’s all in you’re head & not real…i hope you feel better.

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